Introduction
On August 8, we solemnly remember an event that affected nearly 100 innocent people and irrevocably changed the course of history: the Dave Matthews Band Chicago River Incident. On this day, over 800 lbs. (about the weight of a giraffe) of human excrement rained down on the passengers of a sightseeing boat as it passed below the Kinzie St. Bridge. Passengers found themselves covered in the feces of nondescript middle aged white guys who make music for divorced fathers and barbecue enthusiasts.
Why We Love Dave Matthews Band Chicago River Incident Day of Remembrance
We stand with the survivors of this tragedy
At the conception of this holiday, we approach the 20th anniversary of this event. We stand with and support the victims of this fecal dumping, many of which were made ill from exposure to toxic chemicals.
We care about the environment
Discharging massive amounts of foul and disgusting feces into a large body of water is an act of environmental violence. We do not stand for it.
This is a human rights issue
According to Wikipedia, victims in the splash zone of DMB droppings included a pregnant woman, elderly individuals, an infant, and individuals with disabilities. We must fight against injustices towards vulnerable populations.
Dave Matthews Band Chicago River Incident Day of Remembrance Activities
Boycott the Dave Matthews Band
If you have taste, you should be doing this already.
If you have to use the bathroom, go in a toilet (and flush).
Using the bathroom in a conventional and environmentally safe way is a great way to celebrate this holiday. It sets an example for people like the DMB tour bus driver (who released the poop) to learn how to properly dispose of human waste.
Go on a Chicago architecture boat tour
Supporting the Chicago Architecture Center by attending a tour is a great way to show the Dave Matthews Band that we aren't afraid anymore, and that we are proud of our city for surviving this tragedy.
Dave Matthews Band Chicago River Incident Day of Remembrance timeline
The Dave Matthews Band's reign of terror begins at the Peninsula Hotel, a five-star hotel on the north side of Chicago.
The band plays their first night of a two-night concert at Alpine Valley Music Theatre in Wisconsin. It is unclear why they felt called to stay in Chicago to play a show in Wisconsin. Make of that information what you will.
At 1:18 PM, bus driver Stefan Wohl was live on the streets of Chicago in his Poopmobile as he made his way to a hotel in the city. Acting alone, he dispersed a tremendous load of noxious excrement onto the passengers of Chicago's Little Lady. Many passengers got sick and went to Northwestern Memorial Hospital to receive care. At this time, the perpetrator of this crime remained unknown.
On August 9, the Chicago Architecture Foundation announced that a witness had obtained the license plate number of the anonymous anal-expulsive offender, which was turned over to the police. Meanwhile, the Dave Matthews Band's publicist stated that all of the band's tour buses were parked during the time of the incident.
The mystery of the felonius fecal flinger was solved when attorney Lisa Madigan filed a $70,000 lawsuit against Stefan Wohl, who denied his role in the incident. Wohl, as well as his despicable falsehoods, was supported by the members of the Dave Matthews Band. Chicago mayor Richard Daley described the event as "absolutely unacceptable."
With evidence mounting against him, Wohl plead guilty to charges of reckless conduct and discharging contaminants to cause water pollution. He was sentenced to 18 months of probation, 150 hours of community service, and $10,000 to be paid to the environmental organization Friends of the Chicago River. The Dave Matthews Band did not initially apologize for supporting Wohl and his odious offenses, but made significant financial contributions to Friends of the Chicago River and the Chicago Park District on top of a $200,000 settlement to the state of Illinois.
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