Attachment Styles Aren't Set in Stone, Experts Say

Psychologists warn against pigeonholing people based on simplified online quizzes.

Published on Feb. 25, 2026

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Attachment theory has become a popular way for people to understand their relationships, but experts say the simplified TikTok version of it often gets things wrong. Psychologists warn against using attachment style labels as a diagnosis, as they are just variations on the norm and can change over time based on different relationships and life experiences.

Why it matters

Attachment theory provides a framework for understanding how people seek safety and intimacy in relationships, but oversimplifying it can lead people to use it as an excuse not to change or feel like they are doomed to certain relationship patterns. Experts say attachment styles are more fluid than commonly portrayed.

The details

Attachment theory emerged from the work of psychiatrist John Bowlby and psychologist Mary Ainsworth in the 1950s, who identified attachment patterns in children as secure, anxious, and avoidant. Relationship researchers later found links between childhood attachment and how adults attach to partners. However, experts say attachment styles are not set in stone and can change based on different relationships and life experiences. Psychologists warn against using online quizzes to pigeonhole people, as the categories are based on large statistical samples and won't perfectly fit any individual.

  • In the 1950s, British psychiatrist John Bowlby identified attachment patterns in children.
  • In the 1970s, psychologist Mary Ainsworth expanded on Bowlby's research by observing infant-caregiver interactions.
  • Over the past 20 years, psychologist Omri Gillath has been studying attachment in relationships.

The players

John Bowlby

A British psychiatrist who identified attachment patterns in children in the 1950s.

Mary Ainsworth

A psychologist who expanded on Bowlby's research by observing infant-caregiver interactions in the 1970s.

Omri Gillath

A psychology professor at the University of Kansas who has been studying attachment in relationships for over 20 years.

Amir Levine

A professor of clinical psychiatry at Columbia University and author of the book "Attached" which popularized attachment theory.

Kelsie Coles

A marriage and family therapist in Seattle.

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What they’re saying

“It's constantly being propagated in the culture that the attachment style that you have as a child is the attachment style you're going to have as an adult. No, not at all.”

— Amir Levine, Professor of Clinical Psychiatry, Columbia University

“These are not pathologies. They're just variations on the norm.”

— Amir Levine, Professor of Clinical Psychiatry, Columbia University

“Feeling pigeonholed is 'not so good for individuals and their own understanding of who they are and how they can change.'”

— Omri Gillath, Psychology Professor, University of Kansas

What’s next

Levine has built an online tool based on an attachment questionnaire developed by relationship researcher R. Chris Fraley, which can help people better understand their attachment patterns. Experts say that with self-awareness and effort, people can learn to become more securely attached over time.

The takeaway

Attachment styles are not set in stone and can change based on different relationships and life experiences. Experts caution against using simplified online quizzes to pigeonhole people, as attachment patterns are more nuanced and fluid than commonly portrayed. The key is to use attachment theory as a framework for self-understanding, not as a rigid diagnosis.