Dan Savage Rethinks His Iconic 'Dump That Motherfucker Already' Advice

The longtime sex columnist reflects on the impact of his famous DTMFA phrase.

Published on Mar. 4, 2026

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Dan Savage, the longtime sex advice columnist, admits that he has become more cautious about telling people to simply "dump that motherfucker already" (DTMFA), a phrase he coined in the early 2000s that has since become widely used. Savage says he was too glib with the DTMFA prescription in the past, and that he now recognizes how difficult it can be to actually end a long-term relationship, especially one involving children or shared finances. He believes the "cut them out and move on" attitude prevalent in modern dating culture may have been influenced by his past use of DTMFA, but he doesn't take full responsibility for it. Savage now tries to offer more nuanced advice, encouraging compromise and forgiveness in long-term relationships.

Why it matters

Savage's evolution on the DTMFA advice reflects broader shifts in attitudes toward relationships and breakups. While the phrase became popular as a quick solution, Savage acknowledges the reality that ending a long-term partnership is often much more complicated. His perspective provides insight into the challenges of maintaining lasting relationships and the need for more empathy and understanding around breakups, especially for those in deeply entangled situations.

The details

Savage first used the DTMFA abbreviation in his Savage Love column in the early 2000s, when he was in his 20s and his friends were mostly young and single. He admits the phrase was "too glib" and that he's become more cautious about deploying it, especially as he's grown older and experienced the complexities of his own 31-year marriage. Savage says he now recognizes that breaking up, particularly for those in long-term relationships with children or shared finances, is "really hard" and not as simple as the DTMFA mantra suggests. He believes the "cut them out and move on" attitude prevalent in modern dating may have been influenced by his past use of the phrase, but he doesn't take full responsibility for it.

  • Savage first used the DTMFA abbreviation in his Savage Love column in the early 2000s.
  • Savage and his husband Terry have been together for 31 years as of 2026.

The players

Dan Savage

A longtime sex advice columnist who coined the famous "dump that motherfucker already" (DTMFA) phrase in the early 2000s.

Terry Miller

Savage's husband, whom he has been with for 31 years.

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What they’re saying

“DTMFA is so awkward that you really have to read the column, and then know the spirit of the column, to understand what it means. It doesn't feel like it's crossed the blood-brain barrier into mass culture without an association with my column, like monogamish and pegging have.”

— Dan Savage, Sex Advice Columnist (Slate)

“Sometimes people now get on me in the comments or the emails because they think I'm not fast enough to tell people to break up. And oftentimes it's in response to a letter where somebody says, 'We could probably break up, but if we don't want to, what else could we do here?' And so I walk them through the 'what else,' and then I get angry letters from people who just want to read advice telling other people to break up, perhaps to live vicariously through other people's breakups.”

— Dan Savage, Sex Advice Columnist (Slate)

The takeaway

Savage's evolution on the DTMFA advice reflects a more nuanced understanding of the complexities of ending long-term relationships. While the phrase became a quick fix, Savage now recognizes the need for compromise, forgiveness, and patience in maintaining lasting partnerships, especially those with children or shared finances. His perspective provides a valuable counterpoint to the "cut them out and move on" mentality that has become prevalent in modern dating culture.