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Signs You May Be a 'Placeholder Partner' in Your Relationship
Breaking the cycle requires self-awareness and honesty on both sides.
Apr. 12, 2026 at 9:33am
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The endless options of digital dating can lead some to view their partners as temporary 'placeholders' rather than long-term commitments.Chicago TodayA guide through the most important stories of the morning, delivered Monday through Friday. Here's how to tell if you might be a placeholder partner, why you should make sure you aren't approaching your relationships this way and why a 'good for now' mentality isn't uncommon in the modern dating pool.
Why it matters
Placeholding is when a person doesn't come clean about the fact that they don't really see a future with an individual although they are playing the role of long-term partner in all the obvious ways. There are likely a number of psychological drivers that can lead someone to 'placehold' or be 'placeheld,' but the internet and modern dating culture seem to be playing a role.
The details
Digital dating triggers the paradox of choice, where the more options you have, the harder it is to commit. 'A lot of people feel like they need to be on the apps to meet potential partners, but the experience they have is burnout because of the whole idea that there's an endless supply of options,' said Marisa Cohen, PhD, a relationship scientist and family therapist who runs a virtual private practice out of New York. Attachment styles can also sabotage commitment, where someone with an anxious or avoidant attachment style may find reasons the relationship isn't right as emotional stakes rise.
- This story was published on April 12, 2026.
The players
Marisa Cohen
A relationship scientist and family therapist who runs a virtual private practice out of New York.
Nicholas Epley
A professor of behavioral science at the University of Chicago.
Jess Carbino
A sociologist and online dating expert.
Alexandra Solomon
A licensed clinical psychologist and adjunct professor at Northwestern.
What they’re saying
“A lot of people feel like they need to be on the apps to meet potential partners, but the experience they have is burnout because of the whole idea that there's an endless supply of options.”
— Marisa Cohen, Relationship scientist and family therapist
“It might increase the odds that people are dissatisfied with the person they're currently with, rather than making themselves right for the person that they're with.”
— Nicholas Epley, Professor of behavioral science
“That may be the person who is more afraid of getting invested in a long-term commitment, for fear of losing their own sense of independence and autonomy.”
— Jess Carbino, Sociologist and online dating expert
“A good rule of thumb is if the question doesn't make your tummy turn a little bit, it probably isn't a vulnerable enough question.”
— Alexandra Solomon, Licensed clinical psychologist and adjunct professor
What’s next
The experts interviewed for this story agree that if you want to know if you're a placeholder - and are ready to hear it - then you have to ask your partner how they feel about the relationship, then really listen to what they say.
The takeaway
Breaking the cycle of being a placeholder partner requires self-awareness and honesty on both sides. A 'good for now' mentality in modern dating can lead to unfulfilling relationships, but committing to the process of finding a true connection can open up the possibility for deeper love.
