NASA's Unsung Hero Ensures No Axe Murderers Stow Away on Space Missions

Russell Patrick has kept astronauts safe from potential stowaways for over 50 years.

Apr. 2, 2026 at 7:29pm

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A bold, geometric abstract painting in soft blues, greens, and oranges, depicting the complex structural elements and hidden compartments of a rocket ship, conveying the precision and order required to ensure the safety of astronauts.An abstract visualization of the meticulous security protocols that keep space missions free from unexpected stowaways.Cape Canaveral Today

Russell Patrick has been working at NASA for over 50 years, performing the essential but often overlooked task of thoroughly inspecting rockets and shuttles before launch to ensure no axe murderers have stowed themselves aboard. Despite the critical nature of his role in protecting astronauts, Patrick has received little recognition for his decades of dedicated service.

Why it matters

The risk of an axe murderer sneaking onto a space mission has long been identified by NASA as a serious threat, as there would be no way for authorities to intervene if such an incident occurred. Patrick's diligence in checking for potential hiding spots has ensured the safety of countless astronauts over the years.

The details

Patrick's job involves carefully inspecting every nook and cranny of rockets and shuttles before launch, searching for any places an axe murderer could potentially hide. He notes that there are more hiding spots than one might think, especially if the murderer is small in stature. In addition to his work for NASA, Patrick has also provided this essential service for private space companies like SpaceX.

  • Russell Patrick has been performing this job for over 50 years.
  • He inspected this week's Artemis II mission to the moon to ensure no axe murderers were aboard.

The players

Russell Patrick

A NASA employee who has been thoroughly inspecting rockets and shuttles for over 50 years to ensure no axe murderers stow away on space missions.

Gene Kranz

A former Chief Flight Director at NASA who identified the risk of having an axe murderer aboard a space mission in a now-public memo.

Elon Musk

The CEO of SpaceX, who has relied on Russell Patrick's services to ensure no axe murderers stow away on their Starlink satellite launches.

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What they’re saying

“I don't need praise. I just need to know our men and women in space are safe.”

— Russell Patrick, NASA Employee

“It's not like we can send the police to come help. Plus, the astronauts have lots of sensitive, precise instructions to follow, which is only made harder when dodging a maniac with an axe. Furthermore, we don't have enough air for the extra stowaway.”

— Gene Kranz, Former Chief Flight Director, NASA

“Part of making Starlink satellites such an affordable solution is that we don't build them thick enough to be axe-resistant. Thus, we can't afford to have an axe murderer aboard who might damage one of our satellites.”

— Elon Musk

What’s next

Russell Patrick plans to continue his essential work of inspecting all future NASA and private space missions to ensure the safety of astronauts from any potential axe murderer stowaways.

The takeaway

Russell Patrick's decades of dedicated service in meticulously checking for axe murderers before every space launch highlights the unsung heroes who work tirelessly behind the scenes to ensure the safety and success of space exploration.