Friends Defend Abusive Behavior, Frustrating Attempts at Change

A reader struggles to get their loved ones to recognize their own abusive tendencies in a new relationship.

Apr. 2, 2026 at 7:11am

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A reader who was previously in an abusive relationship has realized through therapy that they have now become the abuser in their current healthy relationship. However, when they try to share this realization and their efforts to change with friends and family, the loved ones refuse to believe the reader could be the problem, and instead assume the current partner is gaslighting or manipulating them. The reader seeks advice on how to navigate these defensive reactions from their support network as they work to improve themselves.

Why it matters

This story highlights the difficulty of self-accountability and growth when loved ones are unwilling to see the reader's own role in an unhealthy dynamic. It raises issues around the challenges of addressing abuse, the importance of individual therapy, and the need for open communication even when it's uncomfortable.

The details

The reader was previously in a toxic, abusive relationship but has since ended it. They are now in a new, healthy relationship but have realized through couples and individual therapy that due to an undiagnosed neurodivergence and childhood trauma, they have become the abuser (verbally/emotionally) in the current relationship. The reader is actively trying to change this behavior, but when they share their struggles with friends and family, the loved ones refuse to believe the reader could be the problem. Instead, they assume the current partner must be gaslighting or manipulating the reader. The reader is frustrated by this defensive reaction and seeks advice on how to navigate these situations as they work to improve themselves.

  • The reader was in the previous toxic, abusive relationship for years.
  • The reader has been in the new, healthy relationship for an unspecified period of time.

The players

The Reader

A person who was previously in an abusive relationship and has now realized they have become the abuser in their current healthy relationship. They are actively working to change their behavior through therapy.

The Reader's Friends and Family

The reader's loved ones who refuse to believe the reader could be the problem in their current relationship, and instead assume the current partner is gaslighting or manipulating the reader.

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What they’re saying

“Now I'm in a new relationship with a healthy person but the tables have turned. Through couples and individual therapy, I have realized that, due to an undiagnosed neurodivergence and childhood trauma, I have become the abuser (verbally/emotionally).”

— The Reader

“Your friends and family may not be in the best position to help you through this part of your journey.”

— Eric Thomas, Advice Columnist

What’s next

The reader is advised to discuss this further with their individual therapist, who can help them test their thinking and actions, and develop tactics for sharing their journey with loved ones in a way that supports their goals of communicating and behaving in healthier ways. The reader is also encouraged to consider taking a step back from the current relationship to work on themselves before potentially reuniting in a healthier way.

The takeaway

This story underscores the challenges of self-accountability and growth, especially when loved ones are unwilling to recognize one's own role in an unhealthy dynamic. It highlights the importance of individual therapy, open communication, and setting boundaries, even when it's uncomfortable, in order to address abusive tendencies and build healthier relationships.